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September 30, 2007

Normal service

As you can see normal service is restored. It has been quite an interesting experience, the blog has become a daily dairy for me, as I guess it is for almost everyone who has one. When you are deprived of it for any reason there is a sort of gap in the day. Anyway, thanks to Pixymisa, the creator and guru of Munuvia, we are back online and able to get back to normal routine.

My little jaunt to Surrey proved interesting, didn't get anywhere near the Foot and Mouth and finished late on Wednesday. I didn't get a chance to explore or to take photographs - Reigate Hill and the centre of Reigate isn't the most photogenic place I can think of. So, I will have to find another occassion to take myself down there and take some pictures properly. After all, there is a great deal that I would like to explore there, and plenty of excuses for doing so.

And just while I'm thinking on these things - it's Michaelmas, yesterday having been the feast of St Michael and all the angels, one of the major festivals in the Christian Calendar and it is kept with an Octave. IN other words, eight days of feasting ....

Not sure I can manage that anymore. Still, it makes one consider the Angels and their presence in our lives.

Posted by The Gray Monk at 04:52 PM | TrackBack

September 28, 2007

Problems at t' Mill

There is a problem at MuNu - normal service will, I hope, be resumed soon.

Posted by The Gray Monk at 03:56 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 27, 2007

The wanderer returns ...

Got back very late to the Domus, and then this morning found that MuNu had changed their access .....

It has been a long and tricky day trying to negotiate my way through a problem that opened up just as I was outward bound - but we have hopefully resolved most of the issues now and can return to more normal posting from tomorrow. Now, back to the post pile and the sorting of the bills, the urgent attentions and the plain old fashioned junk. I can't believe how much has arrived in the last four days ....

Posted by The Gray Monk at 12:48 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

The wanderer returns ...

Got back very late to the Domus, and then this morning found that MuNu had changed their access .....

It has been a long and tricky day trying to negotiate my way through a problem that opened up just as I was outward bound - but we have hopefully resolved most of the issues now and can return to more normal posting from tomorrow. Now, back to the post pile and the sorting of the bills, the urgent attentions and the plain old fashioned junk. I can't believe how much has arrived in the last four days ....

Posted by The Gray Monk at 12:48 PM | TrackBack

September 26, 2007

Roadsigns that you can't ignore ....

Sometimes you meet a roadsign that doesn't quite tell you what the problem really is. That is probably the faulkt of trying to condense everything into "standard" signs. The one in the photo below is clear as a bell - but standard it is not!

OK - so it takes being able to read this. Ignore the warning at your peril!

Sometimes the only way to get someones attention is to spell something out. This one was spotted in the US - and it certainly grabs your attention.

Posted by The Gray Monk at 02:54 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

September 25, 2007

Escatology anyone?

The Book of Revelation is most emphatically not my favourite read. It is disturbing, it is sometimes contradictory and it frequently seems to be dualistic, if not downright Gnostic. It would be true to say that it made it into the Bible as we have it today by a very narrow margin. Even in Nicea in 350AD there were doubts as to its provinence - doubts expressed from even earlier weighed heavily with the assembly when deciding the canon of what would become the Vulgate as translated into Latin by St Jerome.

While on my sojourn in Surrey, I have with me a paper we will be discussing at our regular theological forum on Thursday evening. Reading the paper has made my head hurt, reading Revelations so I can check the background had me wondering what St John of Patmos was taking at the time. Reading the commentaries I have with me makes me wonder what trhe authors of those actually believe. So, I revert to my favourite Saint and an 8th Century version of his famous "Breastplate" -

Be thou my breastplate, my sword for the fight,
Be thou my whole armour, be thou my true might,
Be thou my soul's shelter, be thou my strong tower,
O raise thou me heavenward, great Power of my power.

High King of Heaven, thou heaven's bright son,
O grant me its joys after vict'ry is won,
Great Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be thou my vision, O Ruler of all.

Posted by The Gray Monk at 02:39 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

September 24, 2007

Gone East

Well, roughly South and East. The Monk has anyway. He has swapped places temporarily (geographically at least!) with The Gray Monk is spending the next three days in Surrey, just south of the dreaded M25. It is work, not pleasure that drags him away from the quiet flood plains of Tewkesbury and the sound of the Abbey's bells, and he may even, if he is good and doesn't upset the students, get a chance to sample some of the fine country around this part of Surrey.

The camera is at hand, the laptop along with the load ...

Posted by The Gray Monk at 02:28 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

September 23, 2007

Crying wolf

I must apologise to my readers. Yesterday I fell for a hoax and published an appeal for a missing young man. It turns out that this, far from originating, as I was led to believe in my own home town, comes from the US and was originated as a joke by Evan Trembley himself. It seems he composed the email, using phrases lifted from other similar hoax mails and adding the details of his home town police department - missing from the version forwarded to me - sending it to a small number of his friends. They in turn forwarded it to their friends .....

I checked back with my sources in South Africa before composing that post, and they too believed it to be a genuine appeal launched for a missing boy from my former home town. Had we checked Google we might have learned otherwise. None of us did.

That said, we do live in a world where children "vanish" every day, and in some countries are much more likely to do so than in others. Africa has a big problem with this, so do several South American countries and even in Europe it is not that uncommon. We should not let this hoax, started as a joke among friends, blind us to the fact that there are children and young adults out there who are in danger, who are being abducted, kidnapped, raped and murdered.

What I have learned from this, is to do a bit more digging before passing something like that on in future, but I would hope that I will never let it cause me to turn away from a genuine cry for help. That is the unfortunate result of "crying wolf" too often - when the wolf does come, no one believes that he has. I hope that no one ever turns away from a genuine cry as a result of these hoax messages circulating in among the genuine.

Posted by The Gray Monk at 08:24 AM | TrackBack

September 22, 2007

Missing persons

Recently I have heard of a number of cases of missing teenagers. Now some may say that teenagers are naturally rebels and will usually have got into drugs or some other form of trouble and run away. They turn up eventually, Sometimes they even turn up alive and well. That is rarely a comfort to their families and there have been a number of cases recently of young women going missing between school, a party of a friends and never arriving home. As a parent I am all too aware of the worry you experience when your children are out in the big wide world and "at risk", but, in truth, the big wide world is a dangerous place and sometimes we have to let our kids go out and learn that for themselves.

I received a plea yesterday from South Africa which I have decided to place here. Having checked back with the friend who sent it to me I decided I could not just ignore it. I have a number of reasons for doing this, first is that this youngster may be in Europe or the UK. It is just possible he has run this far. On the other hand, he may be in SA or somewhere nearby and not in a position to get home. If anyone does see him, please pass the information on to the address in the e-mail in this post. I must stress that I don't personally know either Evan Trembley or his mother Evelyn Trembley, this story I received from a friend and colleague in Ministry and so I pass it on as best I can.

Evelyn Trembley.bmp
Evan Trembley - missing

My 15 year old boy, Evan Trembley, is missing. He has been missing for now two weeks.

Maybe if everyone passes this on, someone will see this child.
That is how the girl from Steve n s Point was found by circulation
of her picture on tv. The internet circulates even overseas,
South America , and Canada etc.
Please pass this to everyone in your address book.
With GOD on his side he will be found.

'I am asking you all, begging you to please
forward this email on to anyone and everyone
you know, PLEASE.

It is still not too late. Please help us. If anyone
knows anything, please contact me at:
I am including a picture of him.

All prayers are appreciated! ! '

It is a sad fact that each year many more boys than girls 'disappear' from their homes. Some are murdered and we hear of them in the press, others are runaways and there are many reasons for their running away. Still others are never found, never heard from again. These boys often end up in the sex trade, and it is far more prevalent than our press or our politicians admit. Perhaps they are not aware of the realities, or perhaps they are, but don't want to admit it. Boys like Evan have a market value in some quarters and, in under developed countries, are often easily made to 'vanish'.

Your prayers for Evan, for his family and for all 'lost boys, girls and adults, are requested - but do remember the familles they have left behind. We pray that Evan will be returned to his family safely, but I cannot fail to recall a similar case when I was a school boy - the victim then was found under a culvert some four months after his disappearance. It sort of hits a little harder when you knew the victim - and this boy needs our prayers now.

Pray for the lost and the stolen.

Posted by The Gray Monk at 12:08 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

September 21, 2007

Suing God

It could probably only happen in the US, although I wouldn't put it past some of the loony fringe Humanist movement in this country. It seems that a member of the State Legislature of Nebraska has filed a lawsuit against God for - you guessed it - Acts of God. His point is that such suits are "frivolous" and waste the courts time, but if that is so, I am sure he could have found a different way of showing this up.

This is probably one of those instances where the Plaintiff has more money than sense, because the only people laughing at this lunacy will be the lawyers appointed for both sides. Presumably God will be assigned a human representative to defend his case in the courts, to not provide such legal representation would breach His Human Rights. But that raises the question of "who pays" and in my experience, what the US legal profession call "Pro Bono" cases are paid for by the public purse. In other words the good God Fearing Tax Payers of Nebraska are about to fund a friviolous case, brought by a man who is paid by them, against God who provides everything for them, and they plan to pay God's Legal Fees.

A possibly pointless exercise all round. Perhaps all concerned would do well to consider the Court convened in Auschwitz by the Jewish inmates. They put God on trial for permitting the Genocide of their race. God was found guilty by that court, but the outcome was recorded as "God is, as God is. It is not for His creation to question His actions or to protest at His Judgement." Most of those involved in that case perished in the gas chambers and have probably since been able to ask their questions directly of the Almighty.

This case seems to me to be more about someone getting noticed by the media and not a lot about improving either justice or the standing of the legal profession. Hopefully, those of real faith will also see this for the nonsence it is and treat it with the scorn it deserves.

WASHINGTON (AFP) - A court in Nebraska is being asked to cast judgement on the ultimate judge -- God.

State lawmaker Ernie Chambers filed a lawsuit Friday against the Almighty -- acknowledging he/she goes by numerous aliases -- for causing "fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes, pestilential plagues" and other alliterative catastrophes.

The suit, Chambers vs God, asks the court for a "permanent injunction ordering defendant (God) to cease certain harmful activities and the making of terrorist threats" which affect innumerable persons, including Chambers's constituents.

It asserts that God is "the admitted perpetrator" of such acts and said that God's omnipresence gives the local Douglas County District Court jurisdiction in the suit, adding that God's omniscience eliminates the need to issue a formal notice of the lawsuit.

Chambers told local media he filed the suit to make a point about frivolous lawsuits frequently seen in US courts, citing a recent one against a judge.

He asked the court to award him an unspecified summary judgment against God, or, in the alternative, issue a permanent injunction against God engaging in the damaging acts cited in the filing.

Neither God nor his/her spokespersons could be contacted for comment.

Posted by The Gray Monk at 03:03 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

September 20, 2007

Pass the parcel?

Watching the news at lunchtime today I was treated to the edifying spectacle of the Governor of the Bank of England being blamed by the policticians for the Northern Rock debacle. The Governor made several very telling points which the MP's (I noticed that they all appear to be Scottish) tried to pin the blame for the whole thing on him. HIs most telling point in my view was when he pointed out that the mechanism which would have allowed him to act earlier and secretly had been removed by the very same MP's, their Civil Service Poodles and Brussels ealier this year.

The law was changed, according to the rationale of Brussels and our ever incompetent bureaucrats and politicians, to guarantee "openess". Kick in the Law of Unintended Consequences immediately. Since the Bank now has to publically announce what it used to do quietly and perfectly legallywithout the gutter press having the opportunity to create panic, was now conducted in public, guaranteeing that panic would ensue in the minds of the idiots who spent days queueing outside a bank that was never in danger of going under.

So now we will have the spectacle of our "New Elite" power freaks doing their damndest to hang a man who has to operate under the rules they have set up - and which patently don't work. Of course it's not their fault.

Posted by The Gray Monk at 02:00 PM | TrackBack

September 19, 2007

The new "Ruling Elite"

I don't often buy The Spectator, but a recent headline caught my eye and I simply had to read the article. I'm glad I did, because I now know that I am not alone in thinking that the great institutions of democracy and even the Civil Service have been hijacked by a small elite whose sole interest is to take power and to retain power by any means they need to. The old "Establishment" has been turned out and replaced by career politicians, people who began their political careers as student activists, graduated to Trade Union councils, Borough and County government and then moved on into Parliament without ever having actually done a days work in the fields of manufacturing (they can tell you all the buzz words, all the statistics and all the reasons why our industry is no more), commerce (again all the buzz words, all the contacts, but not the faintest understanding of how it all functions) and the public services(except for photo opportunities when it suited). In short, we are now ruled by a small elite who are best described as Career Politicians.

They have never done anything else. And they are determined never to have to.

As the Spectator points out, this new breed of politician is totally focussed on having power, taking power and keeping power. They will lie, steal and if necessary destroy everything and everyone that gets in the way. They are ruthless, narrow minded and utterly corrupt. Morality is no longer a matter of religious belief, it has been perverted to reflect the prejudices of this elite. The Spectator describes them as self-serving and that is certainly one of the key hall-marks of this dangerous new breed. Their language is one of self-congratulation - the Spectator describes it as "self referential" - in which the key element is to keep telling the voters how good they are denying any evidence to the contrary and to describe any opposition as "Fascist". A close examination of their actions betrays the fact that everything is about manipulating they way we think, speak and even dress - just look at the way our ruling elite present themselves. It surely cannot continue to go unnoticed that Gordon Brown, the man who refuses to wear a black tie and dinner jacket never mind the white tie and tail coat which is de rigeur for any dinner at the Mansion House, wears the full Scottish regalia when in his Constituency North of the Border.

There is a new form of power dressing going on - one which deliberately sets itself outside of any respect for anyone else's feelings and seeks to confront, never to concede to anyone else's concept of etiquette.

This divorce from the voters has a sinister side to it - the voter is increasingly treated as being unable to think for themselves, so unable to engage in a debate on any subject. In short, they are there to be told what to do, how to vote and even what they may or may not think. Do not think that any of the Parties are free of this, you need only look at David Cameron's front bench to see that they have cloned their Nu Labour counterparts and are as boorish and disconnected with the real world as the present government. Nor does it end there, for the upper echelons of the Civil Service have been salted with their placemen and the institution of the Civil Service has gone from being merely incompetent, to being the single greatest threat to our freedom and democracy. Why is this so? Simply because it has become the natural home of the New Elite, an elite that recognises no ideals but their own, and which will use every means at its disposal to hold onto power.

Look about you at any political gathering and watch who cuddles up to who, who is left on the fringes and who excluded. This is not about good governance, this is purely and simply about who wields power and who hands it out. Watch the men with the dark suits, the dark glasses and the mobile phones that never seem to stop. Watch the skilled avoidance of answers to straight forward questions and the insistence of "spin" in every statement. Spend any time in their presence and you rapidly realise that there is nothing to distinguish one from the other. They are there purely and simply to have power, they have nothing in common with the voters they supposedly represent and, irrespective of party, are closely allied in retaining the fat salaries, over generous pensions and the very profitable careers they have all carved out for themselves.

And the real tragedy is that we - more fool us - have allowed them to do it. No we have helped them to do it - because we either voted for them or refrained from voting altogether. We have only ourselves to blame!

Posted by The Gray Monk at 09:06 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

September 18, 2007

Fire Fighters discover anti-gravity generator ...

Skipjack Well, maybe not quite, but it is all down to the power of water and your pump. My good friend Skipjack sent me a link to a wonderful video clip which demonstrates both the power of water and the ingenuity of the Fire Fighter when not constrained by the "Health and Safety forbids everything" mob. Looking at the outfits and the equipment, this demonstration was filmed in either Germany or Austria. Vorsprung durch Technik - obviously

You just have to admire the planning and ingenuity that went into setting this demonstration up!

Posted by The Gray Monk at 10:55 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

September 17, 2007

The big Confidence Trick in British Politics

The latest Conservative Party policy statement shows just how far David Cameron has taken his party from being electable. I could go into a huge rant about this here, but I don't need to. The Gorse Fox has beaten me to it.

Visit and read his post entitled Politics - the big Con.

Posted by The Gray Monk at 08:23 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

September 16, 2007

I got it from Scott Adams - honest!

I am a subscriber to the Daily Dilbert. For years I have believed that Mister Adams has had a spy-cam in the management suite of my former employer, some days it was just too close to reality to be otherwise. But for those who have perused my blogroll you may have noticed the link to The Dilbert Blog.

Well, on a recent visit I found this piece. And it could only be the creator of Dilbert who could come up with the reasons for the man's wife walking out on him.

Posted by The Gray Monk at 04:34 PM | TrackBack

New short story released

Residential Aliens, the online magazine for Scifi short stories with a spiritual twist, has published another of my stories. This one entitled "In the absence of gravity". It is billed as another "Harry and Ferghal" story and is a bit of fun. Do visit the site - it's free - and enjoy the stories in the latest mag.

Posted by The Gray Monk at 02:14 PM | TrackBack

September 15, 2007

Banking panic ....

What get's into people's heads? Or perhaps I should ask what is it that the media think they are doing when they sow panic in people's minds. The Banks borrowing money from each other and from the Bank of England is nothing new, they do it all the time. Yet, looking at the headlines in the papers over the last couple of days you could be forgiven for thinking that the bank at the heart of all this fuss was about to go belly up and take everyone's money with it. What nonsense - and more fool the idiots rushing down to the local branch and demanding their money back.

Anyone with any knowledge and a half ounce of common sense knows that NO bank EVER has all the money on it's books in it's vaults. Certainly not since the end of the 19th Century anyway. Read the small print on the bank notes in your wallet - it's a "promissory note". In other words it "represents" money, and its only value is the issuing bank's assets. Originally this was gold bullion, held in a reserve stock by the bank. Each "Issuing Bank" had to keep a certain percentage of it's circulating "Bankers Notes" available in bullion in case someone wanted "real" money. That standard vanished forever in the 1930's with the "Gold Standard" and now the "value" of any country's currency is made up of a mixed bag of "goods" which represent the nation's trading assets and reserves. Very little of the currency actually in circulation is backed by "hard" assets such as real bullion, most of it is in "intangibles".

The banking system is now run on a system which allows the bank to take a one hundred pound deposit from one customer and "lend" eighty to another customer. That customer deposits the borrowed eighty and they then lend another sixty five to the next customer and so on. This keeps the money working and in circulation. The first customer gets his five percent interest on his deposit and the borrowers are paying seven percent (or more!)interest to the bank, so the bank makes a profit and the actual hundred pounds is behaving as if it were two hundred or more. Everyone is happy - until there is a hiccough in the cash flows. Then the original bank borrows money from their neighbour or the Central Bank (In our case the Bank of England) and keeps the money flow going. The original depositor hasn't "lost" his money and won't, because the bank covers itself with insurance and under guarantees is obliged to ensure that depositors cash is kept safe.

But evidently the idiots running up and down High Streets grabbing money out of Northern Rock and shoving it into other banks or stashing it under their mattresses haven't figured out that if anything is likely to cause them to lose their deposits - it's themselves and their behaviour in stripping money out of the bank!

This is one of those cases where the media has triggered a panic by their sensationalist reporting. The Northern Rock was never in danger of "going under" and probably still isn't. But there is no doubt at all that the damage that has been done in this "run" on their liquid assets (money) will hit their reputation and their business extremely hard. Come to that, they, or their insurers, would probably do well to issue a few writs for damages against the more sensationalist headline writing rags. It might just shake our media out of its shock/horror sensationalist attitude and bring them back to earth and reality.

In the meantime, if you have money to invest, I suggest you rush round to the Northern Rock and negotiate an over the average interest rate for your deposit. You'll probably be welcomed and given whatever you ask for!

Posted by The Gray Monk at 03:56 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

September 14, 2007

Praise indeed

It is really nice to know that people enjoy my writing, and I have just seen a post on One Happy Dog Speaks that really made me feel good. VWBug enjoyed my book enough to do a whole post on it.

Thanks for that boost, the sequel is getting there!

Posted by The Gray Monk at 05:07 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Ah the weekend ...

Having had almost a year pass since my retirement, I had forgotten the anticipation one gets driving home from work on a Friday afternoon. There is the added frisson of having to dodge the weekenders and of queueing in traffic caused by the Friday exodus from the big smoke - and I discovered afresh that I don't miss it at all!

Ah well, the wages earned this week will help rebuild the reserves and keep the economy from faltering no doubt, it might even cover some of the tax demand that has landed in todays post. Never mind, that was expected having had a good lump sum and severance for taking early retirement, but I still find myself resenting that fact that it will simply fuel more waste by the incompetents running the country - both elected and unelected.

On the up side, I can now look forward to a weekend of relaxation, of doing some of the things that give me real pleasure. The ale is in the fridge and at optimum temperature, the food supply is secure for the weekend, the car washed and the bank happy. So - enjoy the weekend!

Posted by The Gray Monk at 04:37 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 13, 2007

Of Gorse and Abbeys ....

Last night the Monk met the Fox. The Gorse Fox actually, and spent a very enjoyable evening over a rather good dish of curry with nan bread and a pint of finest Cobra Lager. Conversation was wide ranging and I am happy to say that, in the course of the evening, several things I learned have resolved some minor problems with the plot of my next story.

This was the first time we had met, despite having exchanged comments and thoughts electronically for some time. And I will confess that I did wonder whether I would recognise the "Madra rua" on sight. I need not have worried, he had selected the restuarant well - and he has matured well so was recognisable from the youthful image on his blog. The conversation seemed to go across a very broad spectrum of mutual interests and we certainly "put the world to rights" before he departed for his hotel and I made my way home to my abode.

I did promise to show him the Abbey when next we meet. Something I will definitely look forward to.

Posted by The Gray Monk at 06:46 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

September 12, 2007

Travelling the Oceans

Mausi loves to go by ship whenever she has an opporunity to do so. She would however draw the line at travelling oceans in tiny nutshells. She was fascinated when she learnt a long time ago how cleverly people from the South Pacific navigated from island to island in tiny canoes closely observing the wave patterns. When coming close to an island waves would be reflected on it and a ring of calm water would form around the island where the incoming and reflected waves would cancel themselves. So these seafaring people would know an island was near even if they couldn't see it yet.

Another of these astonishing feats was accomplished by Captain Bligh of the Bounty when he and those who wanted to follow him were abandoned after the mutiny in a tiny lifeboat. By discipline, strict rationing of their provisions and Bligh's brilliant navigation by charts that only existed in his head they finally reached Timor and safety.

portaferry.jpg Mausi's been wondering what would be easier - crossing the southern oceans in oppressive heat or the northern oceans in mind numbing cold as the Vikings did. Alright, their boats were bigger than canoes or lifeboats but Leif Erikson still went to Newfoundland in an open boat. One can hardly imagine nowadays how incredibly harsh life on those Viking boats must have been with cold winds and even colder water gushing into the boat in bad weather and no real shelter for the seamen. The Norsemen left their footprints all over Europe and especially the islands of Western and Northern Europe. Mausi encountered this specimen in Portaferry, a village in Northern Ireland at the Southern end of the Ards peninsula. The wooden Norseman is guarding the entrance to Strangford Lough, a name which is derived from the nordic "Strang Fjord". Before the invasion of the Norsemen it was known as Lough Cuan. The Norsemen have long gone but the name obviously stuck. Looking at the photo now brings back memories of a lovelylate evening walk along the waterfront of Portaferry. As then Mausi still feels sorry for the Norsemen because some clown thought it good fun to bend his weapon....

Posted by Mausi at 08:14 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 11, 2007


Today marks the anniversary of one of the most appalling acts of atrocity - the seizure and use of airliners to destroy the Twin Towers and attemps upon other targets in the US.

Personally I will never forget the moment I learned of the attack - or, more importantly, the moment I saw the towers collapse. I will be making space today to remember those who died in that attack, and those who have died since in the war on the terrorists who seek to bring down our freedoms and replace them with the tyrany of a medieval vision of faith founded upon a Christian heresy.

I hope that those who read this will join me in praying for all those who struggle to throw off the yoke of oppression everywhere and maintain freedom of faith, freedom of choice and freedom of dissent.

Posted by The Gray Monk at 05:59 AM | TrackBack

Imperial or Metric?

So now we know. It wasn't Brussels and the unelected Commission that "forced" Britain to give up Imperial weights and measures, it was our own unelected and bomb-proof Whitehall W*nk*rs. Brussels now says that the Directive was intended as a "guideline" and to be "liberally" interpretted and that Whitehall "Gold Plated" it. Now there's a surprise.

It has long been the Monk's view that The Whitehall W*nk*rs have been very efficient at using every "suggestion" from Brussels to expand their numbers exponentially by interpretting the Brussels Dictats as strictly as they can. This ploy has been seized on by the control freaks who infest the corridors of Westminster who have ably played along with it in the interests of taking to themselves the power to take away from us all our democratic freedoms - the freedom of speech, the freedom of expression and the freedom to make our own choices in a wide range of activities.

The latest declaration from Brussels to the effect that they never intended BRitain to have to give up the system of Imperial Weights and Measures leaves Whitehall and Westminster exposed as the culprits in the whole sorry mess that is the "Metric Martyrs". What is more, it leaves the Trading Standards Gauleiters exposed as over zealous jobs worths. The real problem is the Weights and Measures legislation which makes it a criminal offence to use Imperial measurements. THAT was written by - you guessed it - The Whiethall W*nk*rs and approved by the Westminster Wastrels. For those who bother, reading the directive is informative - it states only that on materials traded between member states the weights or measurements must be in metric and not in any 'local' system. Whitehall decided to force the entire country into metrc - without a mandate to do so and without the consent of the electorate.

That tells you everything you need to know about the state of our democracy today.

Posted by The Gray Monk at 05:45 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

September 10, 2007

Flogging a dead horse ....

Some things seem to be universal for politicians and civil servants everywhere in the world. In the extended post below is a very clever take on this from South Africa. And, having lived there and elsewhere now I can say without equivocation that I think it must be a genetic condition which predisposes people to become civil servants and politicians and to think in that way.

Do read the extended post and you'll see what I mean ....

Tribal wisdom.

Dakota Native American tribal wisdom, passed on from generation to generation, says: "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount and get a different horse."

However, in government, education and corporate Southern Africa, more
advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that the dead horse can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as 'living impaired'.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and / or training to increase dead horse's performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overheads & therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And of course ....

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position!

If you understand the above, then you are obviously a South African.

Posted by The Gray Monk at 09:22 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

September 09, 2007

Sunday Sermon

An interesting set of readings from the Common Worship Lectionary for today, one's I found very thought provoking and meriting some further reading and thought. The Lection is:

Deuteronomy 30 15 - end
Philemon 1 - 21
Luke 14 25 - 33

The result of my musings is in the extended post below for those who care to take a read of the sermon that I am preaching at the Parish Eucharist this morning.

Parish Eucharist
9th September 2007

+ May the Lord our God speak through me, and may you receive his gospel in grace. Amen

“I appeal to you for my son Onesimus.”

I want you to imagine yourselves at home, nicely tucked up in bed. It is still dark, dawn is an hour or so off yet, but the sky outside is already lighter to the east. Suddenly, the door is smashed in, a number of armed men burst into your home charging in they attack you, seize your children and your wife, dragging them from their beds, beating them if they struggle. Outside you are all sorted into groups. Those too young to travel or work are killed as are those considered to old. Those injured and requiring too much attention join the pile of corpses and the remainder are now fitted with iron collars, the iron heated to be bent and beaten closed on your neck, stripped naked and chained to each other before being herded into boats and a life of slavery. And no, I am not describing the actions of Europeans in Africa, but of a raiding party that hit this area in 401 AD …..

The life of a slave was harsh and usually brutalised no matter who the slave owner was. If you were lucky you spoke the language of your Master, if you were not, as was the case with those taken in 401 – you didn’t. So you faced beatings for not understanding what he wanted, and more beatings for being too slow to learn. You went hungry and naked and you lived with that iron collar for the rest of your life – which you probably hoped would be short.

As a slave you were permitted to own nothing under the Celtic peoples, but the Romans had a marginally less harsh view. Under them there were three ways you could become a slave. You could be captured in war, you could be born a slave, or, if you were unable to find work or to pay a debt you could sell yourself. Under the Celts you were a slave for life, under the Romans it was possible to buy your freedom. Onesimus must have hoped that Paul would help him do that, or give him the wherewithal to do so. He probably did not want to be sent back to his owner still a slave and without the means to obtain his freedom, yet that is what he did. Paul sent him back, no longer just a slave, but, as he says:

“No longer as a slave, but as a dear brother. He is very dear to me, but even dearer to you, both as a man and as a brother in the Lord.”

The entire economy of Rome and all other major powers in Paul’s time rested on a plentiful supply of slaves. Slaves formed the industrial machinery that allowed the building of magnificent structures, cleaned the streets, kept the aqueducts flowing, kept the sewers unblocked, kept the food production in being in the absence of machines. So Paul is making a radical statement here – every slave is a brother in Christ of those who are their Masters. Earth shaking stuff, the sort of idea that causes economies to collapse in ruins. You may well imagine how it was received by Philemon, the owner of the runaway whom in Paul’s own, and probably Philemon’s words as well, was formerly useless to you …

But consider a moment, Onesimus did return. No doubt Paul had to do quite a bit of persuading, but the runaway returned to his Master, voluntarily placing himself at Philemon’s mercy. Again, under the law, his master could have him flogged or put to death, sold or hired him out for some work that would have finished him off. We don’t know the rest of the story, but it is difficult to see how Philemon could have done anything less than Paul asked of him.

Paul uses the imagery of being a “prisoner” and of the slave frequently in describing his relationship with Christ. In this letter he describes himself as “a prisoner of Christ”. It is an image we need to consider carefully for it accords with the last sentence of today’s Gospel.

“Any of you who does not give up everything he has, cannot be my disciple.”

Now comes the difference in the imagery of Paul’s descriptions – he is a prisoner by his own surrender. He is a slave by his own giving of himself to God. He has surrendered all that he has and all that he is, to Christ. It is the ultimate act of faith and trust, in Christ we are all slaves for everything that we possess comes from God, we have it in trust for God. Consider the imagery of the three men entrusted with a portion of their Master’s treasure. One puts it to work and does well, returning the principle and interest on demand, the second isn’t quite so successful but is still rewarded, the third has made no use of the treasure entrusted to him and is punished for it. This is the sort of slave/master relationship that Paul envisages in giving our all to God. In return for our surrender we are fed, clothed and given all that we need for our service to him.

It takes a huge amount of trust and faith to make the kind of surrender that Onesimus evidently made in returning to his master, but the obligation placed upon the Master in those circumstances was equally heavy. In Christ alone we know that we may place all our trust in his protection and his willingness to forgive and to comfort those who make the effort. No one can ever find it easy to surrender that completely – I know that I am far to much of a control freak to ever be comfortable, yet, I know too that it is the only way. I cannot retain control of wealth, family and all the trappings – and still fully serve Christ as my master. In that I am no different to anyone else. It is only in fully surrendering my all – and that is my person such as it is worth, that I can truly be a disciple.

And here is another element - the slave is dependent upon the master for food, for clothing, for shelter and for every other need - and the master, if he is a compasionate one, provides these. Our Lord is the most compassionate Master we will ever encounter.

Today’s Gospel presents us with a hard choice. There is no easy option. Like Paul and Onesimus we can surrender ourselves to our Master Christ, or we can, as did the majority of those who heard Christ’s words for themselves, we can walk away. On the one hand we can accept Christ’s chains of love and the collar of the slave of Christ – or we can choose the freedom that acknowledges no master. As Paul and many others across the ages have discovered, Christ is a gentle master, one who cares for everyone who does surrender to his overlordship and provides everything they need. And their greatest reward is knowing that they have served him fully and well.

So as we prepare ourselves to celebrate this Eucharist, let us consider how much we have given of ourselves to God. Are we able to say, everything I have is your Lord, make me your servant? Or are we still, like the runaway Onesimus was, afraid to give ourselves into his control? Have we the courage to turn and walk towards that surrender and to follow where he leads, or do we still insist on keeping control to ourselves?

Christ will not break down your door and drag you from your home as did the Irish slavers’ in the 5th century, nor will he pursue you if you run away. But he will welcome you with loving arms if you offer yourself to him as a free and willing gift, surrendering your life and work to his service, whatever and wherever that may take you.

The image of the slave is a powerful one, yet, in becoming slaves to Christ we are not surrendering to humiliation, beatings, abuse, but to joy and grace in his service.

“My yoke is easy; and my burden is light.”


Posted by The Gray Monk at 11:54 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

September 08, 2007

eBay will never be the same again.

Thanks again to VW Bug at One happy dog speaks, I found one of the funniest things I have ever seen on eBay. Take a frazzled mother of six (Yes, SIX) kids and send her grocery shopping with all six ....

The auction item has had over 17,000 hits and the comments are now closed because the site has been swamped with them. I have to say, I like her style!

Posted by The Gray Monk at 07:13 PM | TrackBack

September 07, 2007

Crime and no punishment ....

My youngest daughter, Allison Monksdottir (to use the Icelandic manner of naming offspring), had, until sometime yesterday morning (very early!) as her pride and joy a red, white and blue Honda CBR400. It was her transport and her prize possession, something she worked hard to save up and buy and has battled long and hard to master. It was a powerful beast, one which gave her a lot of pleasure. But obviously someone else rather fancied it as well - and wasn't about to make an offer or even to go out and buy their own.

Allison's bike, stolen in the early hours of Wednesday morning.

Yesterday morning Allison's bike was stolen off the drive of her home in Bromley. It won't have been that easy to do because the bike was behind the family cars and in a difficult to reach position. Whoever stole it cut the security chain very carefully (and quietly!) and then obviously lifted it into a van to take away. It was evidently (according to the Met anyway) the work of someone who has been staking this out and planned very carefully, because the family were at home, windows open and no one heard it happen. Even less encouraging is the police reaction. "There's a lot of this happening at present and there isn't much hope of recovery - it's probably already been stripped for parts and the frame crushed."

Quite. So they won't be doing much looking for it then obviously. Makes you wonder why we bother paying the Police Precept on our taxes. And as for the leaflet they handed her telling her how to "reduce the risk of becoming a victim of crime" - it is plain bloody insulting.

As for the thieves - there had to be more than one person involved - I hope the bike assists them to achieve a full and unequivocal candidature for a Darwin Award. I just wish I could present it in person.

For the record, if anyone sees a red, white and blue Honda CBR400 with the registration plate G 726 WKE in the next few days - call the police to take the scum away for theft.

Posted by The Gray Monk at 06:25 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

September 06, 2007

Stressed? Call God ....

Actually, that may not be a silly as it sounds. The Church of England is offering short prayers to help us relieve the stress and tension of our daily grind, showing in many of these short and pertinent prayers a lot of thought and consideration of what people encounter in various work related situations. A special section of the website has been set up to provide them and makes good reading if you have and mind to seek a prayer to help relieve your stress.

There is a sensible point to this and it is, as always, a simple one. God IS involved in every aspect of our lives so it makes sense to ask for his help in times of stress or strain. The truth is that if we actually lived our faith and practiced what it teaches we would not be stressed. Or, at the very least, we would be much less stressed.

Do use the links above to find the prayers and use them. They are well thought out and very useful.

LONDON (AFP) - The Church of England has published a series of prayers aimed at helping Britons cope with the post-holiday Monday blues as they trudge back into work following the long break.

The prayers include one for stressed-out commuters stuck in a train tunnel, as well as a few lines seeking heavenly help in coping with frustrating telephone conversations.

"Father, as I talk to this person, give me a listening ear and a gracious tongue," heads the one-liner entitled "Brinnng Brinnng", and published on the Anglican church's website.

In "A Commuter's Prayer", the returning worker fails to get a seat on a packed train. "We're stuck in a tunnel; everybodys sighing; we're not moving," it says.

"Let me know your peace and grace ... For the sake of my sanity," it adds.

A church spokesman noted that the prayers were published as millions of Britons return to work after the extended summer holiday.

"The selection is aimed at banishing the post-holiday blues with God's help," he said, adding: "We're showing that God's love isn't just a holiday romance."

And he denied that such prayers trivialise the church's message. "Clearly the Church is concerned about the big global issues but we also believe that God is concerned about our everyday lives just as much," the spokesman said.

The train commuter's prayer could be particularly appopriate for Londoners, facing a threatened three-day strike on the capital's Underground system from Monday evening.

Posted by The Gray Monk at 07:03 AM | TrackBack

RIP - Luciano Pavarotti

The death this morning of Luciano Pavarotti of Pancreatic cancer is a tragedy for his family, but, I suspect, a relief to the big man with the huge heart and voice. May he rest in peace and rise in glory with the faithful.

Pray for him and especially for those who mourn his passing.

Posted by The Gray Monk at 06:00 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 05, 2007

Birthday Greetings

The Monk's son was born this day in 19-- and his youngest daughter was born three years later less one day. They are both now adults and making their own inimitable marks upon the world. To you both many happy returns of the day for your birthdays, may you have many, many more ahead.

Posted by The Gray Monk at 08:34 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

How will I die?

This is all VWBug's fault. She put this item up on her blog and I am unable to resist the temptation of finding out what the result is. I suppose I could have died of boredom .....

How will I die?
Your Result: You will die while having sex.

Your last moments in this life will be enjoyable indeed...hopefully. Do not fear sex. Try not to become celibate as a way of escaping death. You cannot run from destiny.

You will die of boredom.
You will die in your sleep.
You will die while saving someone's life.
You will be murdered.
You will die from a terminal illness.
You will die in a nuclear holocaust.
You will die in a car accident.
How will I die?
Create a Quiz

Interestingly changing three of the parameters in my initial go - the number I chose, the Tarot and the Playing Card resulted in this -

How will I die?
Your Result: You will die while saving someone's life.

The most noble of all deaths. Your rewards will be great in the next life. You are most definitely a humanitarian. If not currently, you will be. To give one's life is a precious moment that will be remembered by friends and family for many decades.

You will die in your sleep.
You will die of boredom.
You will die while having sex.
You will die in a car accident.
You will die in a nuclear holocaust.
You will die from a terminal illness.
You will be murdered.
How will I die?
Create a Quiz

A bit of fun really - and if I have to go suddenly I would rather it was in the second manner ......

Posted by The Gray Monk at 08:24 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

September 04, 2007

London Life

My daughters both live in London, as does my son. The cost of living in London is horrendous unless you are one of the overpaid "city" traders whose bonuses usually amount to the sort of numbers that would feed the population of a small African country. No wonder property is so expensive that most young people cannot afford them and are forced to remain at home living in their parents homes and seriously blighting their marital prospects. The properties these kids are supposed to have access to are now reserved for the floods of migrants Mister Blair and his cohorts always deny are causing a problem, and they are forced to the outer suburbs where prices are also rising furiously. Then there is transport to and from work - usually in central London ....

So now that "Mayor" "Red" Ken Livingstone has barred the cars - by imposing a tax on motoring - and increased the price of travel on public transport to pay for his fancy new headquarters how are these kids supposed to earn enough to live? According to Ken and Brown there isn't a problem, besides they shouldn't expect big pay packets, after all those are reserved for Labour Luvvies, politicians, civil servants and their cronies in the City. Why should nurses, teachers, fire fighters, police, not to mention the shop assistants,clerks and cleaners and the other ordinary "grunts" who actually do the work in this cesspit of a city expect any help from the "mayor"? That is now reserved for the hordes of Labour voting immigrants he has welcomed into the city and handed all the benefits and housing too. Well, my daughter suggested I quote her on this so here it is - especially as Mayor Livingstone's mismanagement of the GLA is now about to be expressed in a strike (Anyone else remember him and his cronies marching with striking dustmen in the '80's while he was head of the unlamented GLC?) and screw the workers who are forced to rely on his dirty, overcrowded and unreliable transport system.

I quote: -

Have you heard that London Underground staff are planning a 72-hour strike this week? The TFL website is telling people to get home by 5pm... am I still living in a first world country? Am I under curfew? Am I going to be able to keep my job if they hike fares again or go on strike again?!? I'm sure the London mayor would tell me to cycle into work, but I'm sure you can guess where I would tell him to stick that idea, the crocodile tear-shedding holier-than-thou central-London-ivory-tower-dwelling dictator-disguised-as-a-socialist freebie-snaffling gargoyle freak! Bah!

Need I say more?

Posted by The Gray Monk at 08:49 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

September 03, 2007

Oh to be a Cat!

Whenever I have difficulties falling asleep at night I wish I were a cat. Being able to go from full alert into unconsciousness from one moment to the next must be wonderful. I always think no one can sleep as intense as a cat radiating peace and comfort at the same time.

Mausi having taken over the bed from her humans for the day

Mausi. the Cat, has quite a number of favourite sleeping places in the house and garden depending on her mood. With increasing age she also like to switch between soft and hard grounds.

A shadowy place in the garden, perfect for resting and pouncing on careless birds and mice

Another favourite spot is one of the bookshelves. I have no idea how she can feel comfortable in there. What Mausi likes best, however, is pushing humans out of their chairs in the garden and then take over the pre-warmed spot:

Ahhh, this is heaven...

In my next life, I'd like to be a cat, I think. Provided I can find a nice bunch of humans who know how to attend to my every need, of course.

Posted by Mausi at 02:32 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

September 02, 2007

Religion is the root of all evil?

At least it seems that that is the conclusion of a little over fifty percent of the population in a new YouGov Poll taken for Jonathon Snow. If it is indeed what fifty percent of the populace think then it demonstrates very clearly that the Humanists and their fellow anti-Christian and materialistic propagandists are winning the battle for hearts and minds. Of course, a great deal depends upon the question you are asked for any poll and the "peer" pressure you may consider yourself to be under when you answer.

In this case the question appears to be straight forward enough - it simply asks the interviewee if they believe that religion has played a part in global conflict. As ever, the answer required is a straight yes or no, there is no room - it would defeat the purpose of the Poll if there was - for a more complex answer. And, in this case there isn't an easy answer.

If you simply take the surface value for everything then, yes, religion is a factor in conflict. But so is political ambition, greed and the thirst for power. When once you actually begin to examine the background to any given conflict you very rapidly realise that the "religious issue" is actually a smokescreen for the real agenda of the people orchestrating any such conflict. Usually, in classic comic book villain style, its about dominating a people, a nation or a group of nations and the "religious issue" is used to stir up emotions and fear. But then no Poll wants to look at that, its about finding simplistic answers that can be fed to newspapers and direct public attention away from what is good or desirable in the target philosophy, belief or organisation. If you want to destroy something, as Dr Goebbels demonstrated in 1936 to 1945, you first demonise it, then you persuade people that it is anti-whatever they consider good and moral - then you exterminate it. And there has been a concerted campaign against religion in this country for the last hundred or so years orchestrated by clever manipulation of the media and latterly of the history taught at school.

Take a good look at the history your children are taught today and you will find that in every case the Christian religion is blamed for a catalogue of ills from intolerance through slavery to global war. Name something that has resulted in a war in the history of the last two thousand years and somewhere along the line the history books being used in our schools today will make mention of Christianity as being the "cause" of the conflict. The Crusades were "caused" by Christians demanding equality in Jerusalem. How unreasonable. The Fall of Rome was "caused" by Christianity. Actually, recent research has turned up the fact that Rome collapsed because it had been so overrun by "immigrants" who owned no stake in it that the Imperial families simply decamped and left it to them. The wars in Spain - again "caused" by Christians wanting equality in their own country. Even the conflicts of the twentieth century are now supposed to have been "caused" by people trying to live up to Christian principles, but, in complete contradiction, we are told that Christian Churches "condoned" the holocaust. Surely a conflict of intentions - you cannot live up to the principles of the Gospel AND condone the holocaust.

Since the second world war, the socialist/humanist propaganda machine has really swung into gear. Pick up any newspaper, do you find any reports of the good things done by Christian communities? Of course not, but let the Vicar "misappropriate" a fiver from a collection in order to feed a tramp and it's splashed across the front pages of the newspapers. TV is no better, the Vicar is always portrayed as some sort of half baked twit not in full possession of his marbles and the congregations are portrayed as a bunch of complete nutters. Look at the reporting of the present difficulty with followers of Islam, all you ever hear about is the extremist views on both ends - even the moderates are portrayed as extremists and the overall image projected is of a religious conflict. No one is able to hold a rational debate on any religious issue because it is always misrepresented in the press and media so that it becomes provocative. That, after, all is what sells papers.

The net result is the outcome of the poll take by YouGov. Religion, in the minds of the majority, is now the root of all evil.

The strange thing is that we now see the outcome in a rather disquieting aberration in society - the creation of cult worship of people like Elvis Presley, Princess Diana and other media "icons". I find it disturbing that there are still people who, ten years after her death in a car crash, who mark the anniversary with elaborate little rituals and prayers, cards and bouquets littering the fence at Kensington Palace. For heaven's sake the woman was no saint, none of these idiots ever met her, and if they had they probably would not keep up this stupid and lachrymose pretense that she was the "saviour" of our nation. She wasn't and never could be. But this demonstrates something interesting, for, as the real religions are increasingly seen as "evil" and to be shunned, so more and more we see people turning to the worship of the memory of someone who has usually died rather tragically or pointlessly. Drive along any major road these days and you are sure to see rather forlorn little bunches of flowers laid beside the road or attached to a fence marking the spot where someone has died in an accident. Most of these are all that marks the passing of a young man or woman usually driving too fast and under circumstances almost certain to contribute to a crash. Tragic? Yes, but worthy of being treated as saints? Probably not.

So what is happening here? Religion offers people hope of life beyond the grave, whether you are Christian, Muslim, Hindu or something else is immaterial, they all offer some hope of a life beyond this. In the absence of that certainty, conferred by faith and teachings of that faith, you are left with nothing, so your only alternative is to create some little icon for yourself in the hope that this will provide an outlet for your spiritual needs. Sadly it doesn't and where there is no faith, there can be no belief in a hereafter - and most of those who eschew religion find that scary.

I do not believe that religion is the root of all evil. I do believe that it is often abused by people who seek to use it as a route to power or to attain power over the lives of others. It is worth remembering in this year of celebration over the Act which outlawed the carriage of slaves in British ships that it was Christian men and women who campaigned for that, not the Humanists or the the political classes - and the campaign began right back in the first century. And yes, I do know that certain bishops in the Church owned slaves in 1807. How many of you are aware that the slave trade was flourishing in Africa, particularly in Angola and the Arab controlled areas until the 1950's? Or that it is still flourishing even now in Darfur, Somalia and Sudan? That it has taken on some new guises in Indonesia and several other parts of the Middle and Far East? How many people know that Christians are working in centres to help people out of slavery and to rescue others - often in conditions where they are in constant danger? And many more are trapped in slavery themselves in so called "developing nations"?

It is not reported because it is not the message the politicians and others want you to hear. Remember, religion is the cause of all ....

Well, let me ask the question another way. Do you believe the world would be a better place if we all held no faith, if we all followed our instincts and obeyed no higher values than our human ones?

I know what my feeling is on that!

Posted by The Gray Monk at 01:44 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

September 01, 2007

Double English? The not so subtle art of the Double-entendre

I am told that English is almost unique as a language in its propencity for unintentional alternative interpretations of any given statement. The "Double-entendre" is the stock in trade of the "stand up comedian" and has been since Chaucer. Certainly from the little I know of German and Dutch it is almost impossible to say something in a way which can have a funny or rather rude alternative meaning. Probably only in English do we use certain words as euphemisms for something else, usually a part of the anatomy or for some bedroom activity definitely rated "Adult".

Why raise this issue? Well. just occassionally someone inadvertantly says something on live television or radio in this country - or even on BBC World Service, which gets everyone with a sense of humour splitting their sides to the complete bafflement of non-English speakers - or, perhaps more surprisingly, from the puritanical "censor everything" brigade who, one assumes, should not even begin to understand what has been said. A list of some of the best such bloopers is in the extended post below. I take no credit for them, they are genuine and the list was forwarded to me by SlimJim.

I shall offer no interpretation - if you need one it isn't going to be amusing.

Here are 12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!! What have I just said??"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.

Posted by The Gray Monk at 05:47 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack