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December 24, 2004
Santa cancels visit to the UK
Santa announced today, through his legal representatives in the UK, Clampitt, Heep, Loophole, and Obscura, that he will not be visiting any part of the British Isles this year. According to his statement, read out by Mr Uriah Heep, he very much regrets having to take this step and fully understands the disapointment this will cause many children and adults, but he simply cannot afford to jeopardise his international clientele's reasonable expectation that he will deliver his wares to them on time.
He feels that the avalanche of regulations and legal assaults on his charitable activities in the UK and elsewhere are being unfairly targetted by a small group of people whose narrow interests do not accord with the greater British public, whose goodwill he knows will be sorely tried by this decision. He feels, however, that he has no other option. He sincerely hopes that a way will be found to address the concerns of the various departments involved and that he will be able to resume normal service in the not too distant future.
A government spokesperson stated that the departments involved had no alternative but to uphold the law as it stood. She regretted the inconvenience this would cause the many children who would be disappointed by Santa's over-reaction and failure to comply with their reasonable interpretation of the regulations, but stressed that "the law is the law".
In a separate development, the Minister for Cultural Affairs announced that it was intending to abolish Christmas and replace it with a new commercial opportunity to be named Winterfest. She felt that this would address the needs of all cultural and religious groups in "modern" Britain and felt sure that a local replacement for the silly old man in the red suit and sleigh would soon arise. This, she felt, would be preferable, as the "new" figure would be "one of us" and fully willing to embrace all the regulations pertaining to safety, equality of distribution of gifts, and so forth.
She added that there was no connection between the sudden interest of all the departments in Santa and the new celebration.
Posted by The Gray Monk at December 24, 2004 10:09 AM
Comments
Completely OT [although I'm very much enjoying your coverage of Santa's woes...]
I know you're keen on music, so here's one I thought you might enjoy. [source]
And a Merry Christmas to you, sir.
Posted by: urthshu at December 24, 2004 11:13 PM