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January 18, 2007

Schoolboy howlers

Sometimes someone sends you something that is uproariously funny and which you just have to share around, but this latest one suggests that there is a lot wrong in the education of our kids, particularly when it comes to real history, rather than the Homer Simpson variety!

I read through the list my daughter sent me with quite a smile and I share a couple of the best here. For the rest, may I respectfully suggest that you look at the embedded link above! It is worth the effort. Now, some of the best:

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplary of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

Well, I always wondered about that! But the musicians will love this one ....

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

Poor Beethoven - imagine dying of expiring ..... I wonder what had expired? His Klavier License? And this mangled view of English history contains the suggestion of a little bit more ....

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

Nothing much has changed in government then .... but, I wonder if the RSPCA should be alerted to what Drake, Effingham and others did to the Armadillo, after all if they prosecute people for letting their dogs get too fat ....

While I can understand American kids having trouble with European history, I found their view of a key part of their own hilarious ....

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest president. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

The Emasculation Proclamation brings tears to the eyes, never mind the strength in the Onion .....

Posted by The Gray Monk at January 18, 2007 05:19 PM

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