April 06, 2005
At long last I now know what I have been doing wrong all these years in my management role. I have been attending the wrong courses! My latest copy of JEMS - the Journal of the Emergency Medical Services - has flagged up the course I should have been attending, the one all the current crop of managers seem to have been on, and which I, in my naivety, have obviously missed. Here is a summary of the course content:
Gossiping made easy: This session focuses on how you dish the dirt on employees - how to identify the office gossip and feed them the lowdown on someones marital problems or career problems, and ensure these items spread like wildfire through the Department.
The Blame Game: When there's trouble and someone needs to take the blame - you need to know where to point!
Micromanagement: The art of control: How to delegate critical tasks and then stand over the employee and watch their every move, plus harass them with constant phone calls and e-mails, memoranda, and office visits.
Giving compliments is a weakness: Why compliment someone for doing the job you're paying them to do? It might undermine your stern image to do so - and they might get to think you actually care about them and what they do!
The Great Dictator: Empowerment? So 90's! A fast paced session on making decisions in a total vacuum. The motto must be "My way or the highway!"
Busting morale in the 21st Century: It's a never-ending challenge to break the morale of staff effectively, but keeping them unhappy is easier than you think. This session teaches you how to belittle them, play favourites, undermine the chain of command, be reactive instead of proactive, and make up the rules as you go along.
Only wet babies like change! Change must be prevented at all costs - how to stamp out suggestions for change, ridicule any bright ideas, and maintain the status quo. If you must introduce changes - how to do it without consultation, impose from the top down, and stamp out all sensible suggestions for actually making it work practically.
Surround yourself with mediocrity for Job Security: Good people around you are a threat to your security and promotion! How to select other management personnel who make you look good by being even more mediocre, how to push them through assessment centres, and promote those who have difficulty telling the difference between a paper clip and a pair of scissors!"
How to discipline in public: Disciplining in private means that no one else knows that you do it - go for the public display and kill two birds with one stone. Discipline the employee publicly and let everyone else know how tough you are. This session teaches you how to pick the spot most likely to be frequented by the maximum number of staff during the disciplining session and includes a group activity in yelling, shouting at employees, and general bullying tactics.
"No" SHOULD be in your vocabulary! This is designed to show you how to say NO to every suggestion or request, no matter how important, and includes advice on how to make sure it is spoken only by you and is always the last word.
Well, there you have it. Now I know what I have been doing wrong all these years. I wonder if it's too late to retrain and go for the promotions I have been missing out on of late?
Posted by The Gray Monk at April 6, 2005 10:02 AM