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December 17, 2003

New critical element discovered

My Chemistry Tutor colleagues have advised me of the discovery of a major new element. It is denser than Plutonium and around five times as dangerous. Although technically inert, it can be extremely reactive, it is not a radiation source, instead it seems that it sucks up all inititaive and energy around it, producing a state of stagnation and terminal decline.

The new element has been named Governmentium by its discoverers who are still working out its Atomic weight and number. This is difficult as it depends on a number of variables including geographic location.

The element as it occurs in Britain has been reported as follows.

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been named 'Governmentium" The element has 12 Principle neurons, 13 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy parliamentarions ( a newly identified particle which attaches to the neutrons at the centre of the atom) and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 654. These 654 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 1 to 16 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neurons and deputy neurons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

The characteristics of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass". You will know it when you see it!

Further research suggests that this element is capable of producing what may be spontaneous mutations to produce elements tentatively identified as "Assemblium" and "Bureaucratium", although these share many properties of Governmentium, there are some differences to the weight and properties. These are the subject of further study at present.

Posted by The Gray Monk at December 17, 2003 01:44 PM

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Tracked on December 20, 2003 01:23 PM


I loved this. Now if only some witty person will come up with something similar for the US...

Posted by: cindy at December 18, 2003 04:48 AM

very funny

Posted by: Matthew at December 18, 2003 09:05 AM


Now you've made me want to put you on my blogroll...

I need to find my flamethrower and hazmat suit so I can head into my main template....

Posted by: Susie at December 19, 2003 04:43 PM

Thanks folks, Huw the Unhinged and his fellow chemists will be delighted that you enjoyed their research. The work continues ....

Posted by: The Gray Monk at December 21, 2003 05:53 PM