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August 10, 2007

Church Notices

Church Notices are a minefield, which is why at the Abbey all our bulletins are checked by two independent people to make sure they all read correctly. Even so, the occassional glitch slips through the net, fortunately, so far, we haven't managed any quite on a par with the list my eldest daughter, The Postulant, has sent me today. Some of them lend credence to HRH the Duke of Edinburgh's assertion that Bipediorthodontology should be recognised as a medical condition.

Some of the examples collected so assidiously probably said all the right things at the time to the writer, but English does have that wonderful trap for the unwary - the double entendre.

Subject: Church Bulletins...

They're back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for the church ladies who type them. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.


The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."


Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about


Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.


Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.


For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."


Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.


At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.


Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.


The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.


The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.


The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

For those wondering: Bipediorthodontology - The ability to open your mouth and place both feet in it. See also; Opening my mouth only to change feet; Taking the digger into the hole with you; etc....

Posted by The Gray Monk at August 10, 2007 04:56 PM

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Classic. It really made the Gorse Fox chuckle.

Not sure if you get them round Tewkesbury but we often see posters advertising "Psychic Fair"... makes you wonder!

Posted by: Gorse Fox at August 10, 2007 07:07 PM