The Gray Monk

CIVIL SERVICE JARGON - A GUIDE TO INTERPRETATION

Advice Please
Means I don't have a clue. See also Get a Steer on That and Run it Past.

A Few Thoughts
This piece of work is utter rubbish for the following reasons...

Area-based initiatives
Ways of pumping HMG money into key marginals.

As Appropriate
See "Under Constant Review"

Ball-Park Figure
This is a complete stab in the dark which I want you to think might be broadly accurate but will undoubtedly change once I've worked out how much the new policy costs.

Bi-Lateral
A posh sounding meeting which involves 2 people at a time chatting - bilaterals imply something so impressive that the purpose of a bilateral is never asked nor is the information often given. Usually meetings with Ministers/Perm Secs/Senior Officials in their swanky office that you have no hope of ever attending, nor do you need to know that these meetings ever take place (other than to provide briefing at 10 minutes notice), reminds you that you are not and never likely to be the boss or have equivalent influence. Bringing ego is essential, otherwise entry is refused.

Blind Copy
None of the official recipients know that you have a copy of this sensitive note, therefore you cannot possibly contribute. But see "For Information" - you'll be damned again when it all goes wrong.

Blue Skies / Blue Skies Review
I'm too important to discuss details but am quite happy to throw in some ethereal, unrealistic and totally impractical ideas which will never amount to anything. (Usually "blue skies" people are paid a massive salary but are rarely seen in the office - out enjoying the blue skies, no doubt, whilst everyone else is enjoying strip lighting).

Bottoming Out (as in "Let's bottom this out" or "wait until it bottoms out")
A very unfortunate turn of phrase. It can be used a way of attempting to actually solve something and get it sorted or (much more likely) a way of describing the fact that we will need to wait (and do nothing at all) and see just how bad it gets before we deal with the consequences.

Breaking Down Silos
Creating new silos or renaming existing silos, to no discernible effect. See "Root and Branch Reform".

Brief
An oxymoron - briefs are anything but. The same way that a line to take is always a paragraph.

Bring Forward (BF)
See "In Due Course"

Buy Into
Can I join in too?

Champion
Like a Czar, but for less controversial (but worthy) issues. Usually a minister, senior official or high-level secondee, with a nebulous brief to "champion" something, but doesn't have to deliver anything other than to say "This is a good thing, and I strongly support it" every couple of months. When asked what HMG is doing, we can simply point and
say "Look! A Champion!"

Change Management
Finding ever new ways of saying "like it or lump it".

CCing (as in "can you cc me into that")
Ensures that you do not receive full credit for an idea of yours if a senior person is on cc list, as it will then look like their idea. Or a way of ensuring you are blamed for a very stupid idea. If senior person is on cc list it can look like you did not consult them fully. "To cc": To prevent free thought and original ideas from junior officials.

Close Of Play (COP)
The deadline is vaguely at the end of the day - resulting in several more e-mails to establish exactly what the actual deadline is.

Completion Date
The civil service never likes to be pinned down on anything so mundane as a date. Instead, the following scale is used:

01 Jan-31 Mar : In the New Year

01 Mar-30 Jun : Spring

01 May-30 Sept : Summer (if things get really desperate, Summer can last until Parliament is back in session in mid-October)

01 Sept-Christmas: Autumn

01 Dec to 28 Feb : At the end of the year

Comprehensive Review
Just the same as a "Review", only likely to take up to 18 months to be completed. And not change anything.

Comprehensive Spending Review
See "Spending Review". The same idea, but carried out across Whitehall, upsetting even more people. Only HMT are left smiling at the end of it, as they're never under-resourced. Funny, that.

Concerned
Outside HMG, it means "concerned". Inside HMG, it means that a senior official is about to explode. "Deeply concerned" means the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are riding down Whitehall - and they're looking for you. See also "Surprised" and "Disappointed".

Consultation Document
The Department has already decided what it's going to do. The document will contain one policy dressed up to look like several options, to give the impression that the Department is open to suggestions. It will also have a few ridiculous ideas, so officials can claim to be "Thinking Out Of The Box".

Core Script
Whatever the issue, lever in the latest Departmental buzz words.

Cross-cutting issues
Things on which officials across Whitehall have an opinion, but for which no-one wants to be responsible.

Cross-Government Working
The HMG equivalent of the Cockatrice, the Basilisk and the Griffon. A fabulous beast which exists only in myth.

Co-Ordination Unit
There's hundreds of units scattered across Whitehall all doing the same job in perfect isolation. A new unit is needed to duplicate the work of the existing units and to tell them what they already know.

Czar
A figurehead, usually related to a very high-profile (and insoluble) issue, whose purpose is to think the unthinkable, say the unsayable, and thus draw all the flak which would otherwise be directed at Ministers (particularly the PM). See "Champion".

Delivery/Deliver
The last word in procrastination. Current big buzz word, means doing everything in your power not to deliver. Especially if you work in the Cabinet Office, most especially if you work in the Delivery Unit.

Diary Commitments
The Minister is far too important to go to your insignificant little event.

DirectorMore impressive title than "Head".

Director General
A long-standing Director who needed encouragement to stay in the job a bit longer.

Disappointed
Used by members of the SCS to express the view than a particular junior official is quite possibly the most incompetent person it has ever been their misfortune to come across. Similar to "concerned", but deployed in
order to destroy any last remnants of self esteem the official might have. See also "Surprised".

Draft Please
Graft for hours producing a coherent and impressive letter so that I can fulfil my teacher-fantasy by needlessly amending it.

Elephant Traps
Cock-ups in waiting - a term retained from the days when we still had an empire. To the FCO, we still do.

Empowerment
I'm not delegating this boring task because I can't be bothered to do it. I am empowering you.

Entrepreneurial Culture
Civil Servants are always being told that they should be more entrepreneurial in attitude. This means working 12 hours a day to make something happen, and being paid very little for doing so.

Factoring In (as in "Can you factor that in")
Can you tell me about all the hard work you have done on this issue so I can present it to the Minister/Official concerned (end result is blame if it goes wrong, if it goes well boss gets credit).

Fast Stream
The HMG equivalent of "Top Gun". But with overtones of sending small children up chimneys or down coal mines.

Final Draft
An Oxymoron. The so-called "final" draft is the only version on which anybody provides comments, as they can't be bothered to look at the five previous drafts. Use of the word "draft" is always dangerous, as people assume it means that you are open to rewriting the whole thing at any stage.

For Information
Don't even think about commenting on this, I really don't want your help or smart ideas, but if anything goes wrong, I'll remind everyone that you knew exactly what was going on and therefore it's your fault.

Freedom of Information (FoI)
A long standing civil service joke. All politicians believe in FoI, until they gain office and realise how much hassle it all is.

Get A Steer On That (from you)
I don't know how to decide on this one either - can you make a decision for me and I'll nick any good ideas you have.

Happy To Discuss
There's a whole lot more here than meets the eye and that I haven't told you. Should ring alarm bells. If you do actually want to discuss, I'm never available.

Holding reply
Forgot to do a Minister's case/Treat Official? Quick, draft a letter explaining how complex the issue is and that you're consulting with colleagues. Gives you another couple of weeks not to do it in. See also "Interim Report".

Hope This Is Helpful
I'm well aware that it is not helpful at all. Please don't contact me again.

Identifying Key Messages
See "Core Script". Can also be used to justify why we sent a Cabinet Minister to the middle of nowhere, to speak to an irksome local TV/radio hack, and a local journal that sells 103 copies a day.

In A Timely Manner
See "Urgent"

In Due Course
In a very long time if I remember.

Inclined to look favourably upon...
Yes.

Information Management
Posh term for filing.

Interested in your views
This is a load of old c**p, but I don't want to be the first to say it.

Interim Report
A short document explaining why the full report will be late, how complex the issues are, and how hard you're working on it. With luck, people will forget about the whole thing until you've moved to another post. Similar to a "Holding Reply".

Issue
A way of lending importance to an idea.

Its Not Rocket Science
Well, it's not!

Joined-Up Thinking
Now a deeply unfashionable term, meaning "talking to other departments, or other parts of your own department, more than once per annum".

Kick Into The Long Grass
Don't want to focus on this one at the moment or for the foreseeable future. Basically it's "Parked" in a long stay NCP car park.

Let's Drill Down Into This Issue
I've got no idea what I'm talking about, but want to show that I think there's a whole lot more to it than a part time expert like me would even dream about. It may even be a candidate for a PIU project. But can also be used as delaying tactic (see "Parked", "Kick into the Long Grass" and "Toothpaste out of the tube").

Leverage
The purpose of "Seedcorn Funding". By spending a derisory amount of money, this will somehow magically persuade an industry to put in 10 times as much. This never happens.

Loop (as in "in the loop" or "not fully in the loop")
A very important phrase especially for those who are not fully in the loop as it can cause resentment and lead to temper tantrums. It is a measure of how important (or indeed impotent) you are as to whether you are in or out
of the loop at any one time.

Management Initiatives
Every few years, Ministers and senior officials decide that a Dept. is dysfunctional, and "something must be done". "Something" usually entails recycling the management initiative before last (or the one before that), repackaging it, and pretending that it's new and exciting. Generally, an initiative has an active life of 18 months, then hibernates for 5-7 years until "something must be done" because the last initiative (or two) didn't work. See "New Ways of Working".

Mandarin
A fruit, somewhat like an orange - colourful, full of juice, and tasty. Nothing at all like a top-level civil servant.

Manifesto Commitments
Funny, I could have sworn I had some lying about, but I seem to have temporarily mislaid them. Note: Manifesto commitments exist in a grey area - if they're easily achievable, they're a Government commitment. If unachievable, they're party political and therefore raise propriety issues.

Media Handling Strategy
How the hell do we interest anyone in this. Or conversely, how the hell can we bury this. Not to be confused with "Spin" - which doesn't exist.

Menu of Options
A list of several stupid and/or pointless options, to make people (particularly Ministers) believe that they have a choice. Similar to options contained within a Consultation Document.

Milestone
A common misspelling of "Millstone".

Minded To Think About
Classic civil service. Doesn't mean anything, but sounds like it might.

Ministerial Submission
I know a lot more about this subject than you do, Minister, but convention demands that in the interests of public accountability I must write a clever note in which I pretend to seek your views.

New Ways of Working
Old ways of working, presented in a glossy pamphlet. See "Management Initiatives". Note: "New" does not necessarily mean "better".

On Board (Or Not On Board)
A favourite delaying tactic linked to sharing (or copying) ideas. Getting as many other people on board as possible is important as it results in further meetings/cc-ing others into e-mails and often bilaterals too.

On The Back Burner
Increasingly overtaken by more modern expressions such as "parked" or "kicked into the long grass" but basically means that you just had a cr*p idea or ridiculously complex problem but no one has the courage to let you know that so lets just shelve it and maybe use or solve it later. Also used if a project has resource implications.

Park It
See "Parked"

Parked
Increasingly popular and a favourite of No 10. It is even making an appearance in the lobby note. It means "lets just not talk about or deal with that 'issue' and hopefully it will either go away or be dealt with by someone else."

Pilot Project/Scheme
"We don't really want to do this, but the Minister likes it". The hope is that there will have been a reshuffle before having to actually implement anything on a larger scale. Some pilot schemes have run for decades. See also "Subject to review".

Plain English
Words of one syllable, with subtitles for the hard of thinking. No civil servant worth their salt would even countenance using Plain English - that's for civilians and half-wits.

Please Deal
Do all the work on this yourself - and if you want to Get a Steer, tough. See "empowerment"

Please do not hesitate to contact mePlease do not contact me ever again. If you really insist, try in the next two weeks as I'm on leave.

Private Sector Discipline
A favourite mantra of the current administration. By emulating industry, HMG will apparently become a lean, fit, high-output organisation. Note absence of "Private Sector Remuneration".

Propriety issues
I don't want to do this, but can't think of any real reason why I shouldn't. Will this do? See "Purdah".

Pump Priming
A significant amount of funding, used to bribe an industry into doing something that no-one apart from the Government wants. Sometimes it is so low key that it's forgotten about, and the funding continues for 20
years.

Purdah
A state of grace in the run up to an election. Any amount of delay, cock-up, or plain laziness can be excused by saying "It's all rather tricky during Purdah". Very similar excuse to "Propriety Issues". A term retained from the days of Empire.

Quadralateral
Like Bi-Lateral, but with 4 people.

Quick Win
Something has become a lot more complex and difficult than originally thought, but we are publicly committed to achieving something. A "Quick Win" is anything achievable, no matter how pointless and insignificant, which can be quickly completed and presented as progress towards the objective. It is always worth keeping a couple of Quick Wins in reserve for emergencies.

Raft Of Measures
None of these ideas are any good but if we throw them together as part of a "package", at least it will look as if we are trying. See also "Menu of Options".

(I have) Reservations
"If you do this, you're an even bigger fool than I thought you were."

Resource Implications
This will cost money/need some more manpower. So either the Dept. won't do it, or you end up doing it within existing
resources or else. See "Spending Review".

Review
This policy is going wrong but we cannot admit it. Instead, in order to defuse the controversy, we will get someone who knows nothing about the issues to examine them for 3 months, following which they will provide a helpful synopsis of everything we already knew.

Root and Branch Reform
Tinkering with the organisation, and renaming parts of it, to no discernible effect. See "Breaking Down Silos".

Round-table
A meeting - but that sounds far too dull. Try this one now and again for a bit of variety.

Run It Past (you)
I don't really know the answer but obviously can't admit to it - so can you help me and then I'll incorporate your excellent ideas and take all the credit.

Seed It
Embed a very vague idea in peoples minds and hopefully if it all goes wrong they won't remember it was your idea.

Seedcorn FundingA derisory amount of grant aid. The Department can announce "we're putting resources into X", claim the credit if it works, and distance itself when X fails miserably. Deployed in the vain hope of achieving "Leverage".

Seeking your agreement
Preparation is at a really advanced stage, or it's already happening. If you have any complaints, no-one wants to hear them.

Sound
The goal of all civil servants is to be considered "Sound". That you are loyal, trustworthy, and would jump in front of a bus if called upon to do so by senior officials. See "Vision".

Special Advisors
A similar concept to "Special Schools". Would be responsible for "Spin", if it ever took place, which of course it doesn't.

Spending Review
Finding new ways to get blood out of stones, quarts from pint pots etc. For "Review" read "cut". Whenever such a review is launched, it sparks off frenzied scurrying around by senior officials, fear and loathing, backstabbing etc. Never a pretty sight, or a happy ending.

Spin ("Spin Doctoring")
We don't do this. No. Never. Totally against all the principles the Civil Service holds dear. Perish the thought.

Strategic Co-Ordination Unit
There's too many co-ordination units. No-one knows what the hell is going on or who is supposed to be doing what. A new unit to co-ordinate the co-ordinators is therefore required.

Strategic Overview
Similar to a "Watching Brief", but implies that you're actually a) deeply interested, and b) actively considering the wider implications of whatever this is about. In reality you haven't a clue what any of this is about, and couldn't care less.

Strategic Review
The same as a "Review" but marginally more superficial and likely to recommend the creation of a "Co-ordination Unit". Closely related to a "Blue Skies Review".

Subject to review
The next stage after "Pilot Project/Scheme". Used when for some unknown reason the Pilot has not been a complete disaster. Means that the Minister still thinks it's a good idea, but if people scream loudly enough we can pull the plug with a sigh of relief.

Surprised
Another classic SCS understatement, signifying utter horror, disgust and fury. See also "Concerned" and "Disappointed".

Take Forward
Give the appearance of making progress whilst in fact never reaching a point where the issue has successfully been taken forward.

Target Audience
Establish who if anyone in this world gives a toss (or "believes" depending on cynicism) about what our esteemed public states people say and why they say it. Fully expect this task to be designated a "cc" one.

Take soundings
A senior official has developed proposals which will annoy several other parts of the Dept. Taking soundings means sending it around unofficially to see how loudly people kick up a fuss. Also, of course, for the senior official to appropriate any better suggestions.

Thank You For Bringing This To My Attention
Polite way of saying "Damn, I was hoping no-one was going to mention that/find out about that".

The Minister was grateful for your submission, which (s)he read without comment
"It definitely went in the red box. It definitely came out again. Did they look at it? Search me, squire." Often means that the submission was a) very dull, b) on an insignificant subject way below the Ministerial radar, or c) both.

Thinking Out Of The Box
A favourite used by bosses who want to patronise staff into action. It means "don't be so boring and come up with something other than a briefing note and photocall!". However, thinking too far out of the box is never a good idea.

Timing: Routine
Shuffle this to the bottom of the pile so we can forget about it for a few months. If not forever.

Timing: Urgent
It isn't really, but we'd actually like this back some time.

Timing: Immediate
Desperately overdue, and should have been answered at least a week ago.

Toolkit
Silly phrase, popular in relation to delivery. As in: "we need to develop a toolkit to solve this issue". Hints at a mystical set of solutions that will somehow launch us towards public sector nirvana.

Toothpaste Is Already Out Of The Tube
An issue can no longer be "parked" as it is now in the public domain, and someone will have to do something about it.

Touch Base
A ridiculous term which has no meaning other than "speaking to someone".

TrafficA way of detaching oneself from a problem by reducing it to a term used to describe congestion. Means we could get a lot of interest in this (usually resulting in working groups being set up so that other people can deal with the impending work load).

Treat Official
Letters from Joe Public, to be kept at the bottom of the in-tray until the official concerned is really bored one afternoon. See "Holding reply".

Tri-Lateral
Like Bi-Lateral, but with 3 people.

Under constant review
Leave it alone, don't even think about it, until the s**t is about to hit the fan, someone tables a PQ, or the Press get hold of it. See also "Watching Brief, Maintain a".

Up To Speed (as in "are you up to speed?)
Have you got a brain? Very vague term which is often used as a way to catch you out. If you admit to being up to speed you can be asked devilishly complicated questions however if you admit to not being up to speed you're made to look a fool as if you are not even able to grasp a short introduction paragraph to a simple issue.

Urgent
A decision has already been taken.

Vision (or "The Vision Thing")
Evangelical, almost Moonie-like belief in pronouncements from senior management and ministers. No questions, no doubts. Those who lack "vision" are considered dangerously subversive. See "Sound".

Watching Brief, Maintain a
Similar in definition to "Under constant review", but used when you are not the lead on a subject, but senior officials expect you to know something about it.

We Spoke.
Always followed by a full stop. Lets other people know that we have spoken and have a plan, but not what that plan is. Sometimes means "you know what I want, but if it all goes pear-shaped I can claim that you misunderstood me".

Welcome Views
Does anyone have any ideas - I don't (though want to appear very consultative). See also "Get a Steer", "advice please", "Run it Past" and "take soundings".

White Paper
Soft, strong, absorbent - and perforated at both ends.

Work-Life Balance
I'm off early as I am the boss even though there is a big "issue" developing. You will stay here and work late as you are not senior enough to enjoy a work-life balance. You do the work, I have the life.

Work It Through
Often used as a delaying tactic - i.e. we need to really "work it through" so lets have another meeting with other people in as well so we don't have to make a decision now. Or at all.

Working Group
5 or more people sitting in a room failing to achieve anything.

You May Recall
You will if you're any good. Alternatively, "this issue was mentioned very briefly and vaguely in a large, wide-ranging paper that went to your predecessor about two years ago".

You May Wish To Consider
Do this or else.

You Will Recall That
No you won't.

You Will Wish To Be Aware
No you won't, and it's bad news I'm afraid.

You Should Be Aware
Even worse news - not my fault, honest